Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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