Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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