I could have mohawked her pubes.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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