I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize