bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
