Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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