Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
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That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.