party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....