why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
