he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You took a bar mat shot.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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