I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
