Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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