I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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