nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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