I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The best revenge is premature balding
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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