just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
