What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
