my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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