low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize