He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
