Im at strip club and am horny
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
