i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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