you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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