My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
