I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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