how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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