Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
either way he was missing a nipple.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.