party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning