i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I FOUND THE LEGS