my phone needs a breathalizer
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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