Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
