I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
