Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
