It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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