He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
