Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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