Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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