how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
