I showed him my bush... on skype.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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