She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
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Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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