fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
