Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
