the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
