I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
