If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
