Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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