theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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