Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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