at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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