Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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