my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
