Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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