You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
