I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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