i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
