They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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