I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
not ubering you a puppy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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