Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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