Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
organizing the empties. That sober.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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