i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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