You smell like stripper and shame
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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